Are we there yet?
I think we can all agree 2020 has been a tough one. What will we look back and remember aside from Covid? Who are the people we reach out to? How were we there for others? Who were we as people? As a society? What will our children remember about this time? But my main question is simply: Are we there yet?!
Are we there yet? by Phillip Gross is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at www.mothershiplaunchpad.com/fatherhood/are-we-there-yet.
Passing the Good Along.
Guess what?! I’m an Uncle! My Brother-in-Law just had his first baby. What an exciting time! Watching the new parents acclimate to life with the newest member in our family really got me reminiscing about our own first few weeks as parents. In particular, the few bits of advice passed down that rang true, and still ring through.
For our newest dads out there, here are few thoughts to pass along. Take it all with a grain of salt.
Advice is good: Take all the advice you can and mix it with your own. You will make your own decisions and choices, but it’s always best to be informed. You will use Google to search for “Best Baby Stroller.” Why not ask advice from the guys you know, particularly the fathers you admire? The moms have already been doing it for centuries. Literally, humans have been having babies since the dawn of time. There is a lot of advice to be shared. (Here is a link to our favorite stroller that we have traveled the world with Baby Jogger City Tour)
Take the Night Shift: As a new father some of the best advice I received was “Take the night shift.” - particularly, during the first few months. Your other half, already has months of being extremely tired during pregnancy on your measly few weeks. Plus if baby is up, you likely will be too. This will mean something slightly different to every couple, particularly if you are breastfeeding or on formula. It is about the most natural thing almost anything can be. The first few months, even the first year, are all about baby and mom bonding. As a father, it is important to do what you can, where you can. Taking the night shift not only takes the load off of mom, but affords an amazing bonding time with your baby. Particularly, when very little else is occupying your time or mind. I am not saying absolutely every single night, but certainly most. They will start sleeping through the night very soon. So take the lifetime of bonus points, while you can.
This is a hard truth, but about as real as it gets: It’s not about the individual “You” anymore. “You” are now a family. What you do with your life, body, and time is now utterly important to the newest member of your house. If you have a dangerous habit or hobby - ask yourself how old do you want them to be when they say goodbye to you. They need to be fed, clothed, housed, educated, mentored, and have fun. You need to figure out what the word “Dad” means to you.
Keep a weekly date night going. Keep working on your relationship. It will be more important now than ever. Your child will learn to express feelings and emotions by watching the two of you interact. This happens far earlier than you even notice. Remember, long after they leave the nest, it will just be the two of you and you still want that to rock.
Everything is so small: You will want a small screwdriver set and extra batteries. To change the batteries in almost anything requires the use of a small screwdriver. I keep an extra set in my battery drawer just for this reason. Here is one I love to gift to new dads: Stanley Precision Screwdriver Set. Hide those tiny disc/button batteries - They can be easily swallowed and lethal.
Enjoy every single moment. Time will move so fast and you will be amazed how quickly they will grow, even just between the 1st and 2nd week. As much as I ever tried to stay present, I wish I could have been more so. Leave the phone in the other room, but find a way to still take lots of pictures. Use your paternity leave if you have it, or take the time off if you can. You won’t regret it.
You will be tired, it will be worth it. She will be tired, tell her she is worth it.
Start a new family tradition. Maybe it’s a new stepping stone in a garden, making music, or just something you all do every Friday night.
Understand Postpartum Depression - Maybe your partner has it, maybe they don’t. It is real and often it is realized all too late. Communication is key and won’t always be easy.
Start saving. Contact a certified financial planner about starting a savings or education fund. Putting away $25 or $35 a week you will likely not notice but will add up quickly and be available when you need it. $35 a week is $1,820 a year. By the time the sleep clears from your eyes and you are in steady step with fatherhood you will look over and see a healthy balance.
Say yes to hand-me-downs. I love that cool dad item as much as anyone. There will be a handful of things you will absolutely prefer new, but almost everything you need, or want, can be found used, in great condition, and often free. Inevitably, you will buy some expensive item and barely see it used. You are now part of the cycle. Save the money. Put it away toward their education fund, a family vacation, or better yet, a sitter for date night.
Being a parent is not easy. Being a mom or dad is certainly natural for some, but not everyone. You will be perfectly imperfect. Don’t concern yourself with what the world may think, rather what is best for your family and your little one. You are their world. Instill the goodness and kindness you want to see out of them. Be the champion of your family and they will champion you. Say thank you to your Mom & Dad.
Travel and A New Dad.
(C) 2019 Phillip Gross
There are two absolute truths I have identified as a father.
Every single cliche thing ever said about kids is absolutely true.
Your love, and ability to love, grows exponentially when you have a child. Your heart will grow to fill a universe you never knew could exist
It wasn’t but a few days after my paternity leave ended, that I found myself back on the road. Work travel by that moment in my career, had become par for the course. Part necessity, part fun. A chance to discover something new, develop business relationships, and at best earn some additional frequent flyer miles. However, this was no ordinary Monday. It was the first trip taking me away from my newly formed family. So far away from what, whom and where I now loved most.
I was in Vegas and I was homesick. Neither a phone call, nor the video call home brought ease.
When you first share with the world and the ones you love that you are expecting, so much information is passed your way. Words of encouragement, support and formidable advice quickly flow out of knowing mouths. “Do this”, “be that dad”, “take the evening shift”, “kids are the best thing since sliced bread”, “you won’t need that”, “you will need this”. There are tongue in cheek remarks from single friends and strange questions asked i.e “what school are you going to go to?!”. Like High School Calculus, so much of the shared knowledge doesn’t really seem to matter until you know why you need to know it.
An interesting reflection my own father shared with me early on was, you would think no one had ever had children before the way first time parents are. From the early attempts at Diaper changes to worrying about every single breathe